tovar_friedman

I'd heard people talk about being inspired by their kids before, and didn't really believe it as I hadn't had the experience. But last night, Tovar inspired me.

I'd been exploring issues of autonomy and self-regulation with Shannon, as well as how we can be better parents, so that was my mental frame as I went in to cuddle him last night. As often happens when we go in after bedtime, he was playing outside his bed with the lights a bit bright, and jumped in fear at knowing that he'd been "caught" doing what he "wasn't supposed to", even though we've been very accepting of his playing before sleep, and never yelled or said anything harsher than "Please get in bed, it's bedtime".

This reaction had been bothering me for awhile, so after sharing a bit with Tovar about how I was doing and what had been going on for me that evening, I asked him about it. He agreed that he was scared of being caught misbehaving, and asked whether we were happy or unhappy with his nighttime playing. He didn't like not having clarity on the rules. I explored it a little bit, saying I wasn't sure, that I was unhappy when the lights were bright, but I really wasn't sure about his playing, or playing out of bed.

So I asked him to help me figure it out.  At first he talked about what kind of playing was fun, but I clarified that we needed to figure out how fun play can be done in a relaxing way that helps him get towards sleep. Does he have more trouble getting tired if he plays out of his bed?

At which point, Tovar explained to me his own nightly post-parent bedtime routine, where he lets himself play 3 games (he ticked off 1-2-3 on his fingers), one of which (the middle I think?) always involves cars, while the others vary, and then he gets back into bed and goes to sleep (!). This didn't come from Shannon or I, and doesn't seem like what his babysitters would say, so as far as I can tell he came up with this awesome self-regulation entirely on his own!

Wow! I told him how happy I was, not just happy with his playing, but proud and impressed that he had a great system for balancing play and relaxation. I told him that me & mama were still working on figuring that balance out for ourselves!

From that space of peer-feeling, I told him that mama & I were also figuring out how to be good parents, and we could use his help. Not blaming things on us or whining, but telling us in a nice way what he needed and when we weren't taking care of him well. That I was an expert about facts on the world, and what's real, and I needed him to believe me on those things, but for parenting, that he knows just as much as we do about how we should parent him, and I'd like him as a partner.

He immediately had an idea (which will blow the mind of anyone who knows Tovar and his obsession). The idea was for us to help him shift a bit away from Transformers and to other kinds of toys (!). Not take them away completely, and not do it by forcing him, but get him new, different toys. Specifically, maybe "toys that are like what transformers transform into, like cool cars".

This is a kid who spends hours a day watching video reviews of Transformers toys on the ipad, yet when treated as a peer, and asked for his best-self / leadership voice, sees how it would be better for him to grow away from them. This really resonated with me because a family theme lately has been stepping into & loving reality, rather than escaping into fantasy, and Transformers is fantasy, while fast cars are reality. Plus the show is very simplistic and violent, which I don't like. So I really wanted to support this, so I talked to Tovar a bit about how I like fast cars, because they are fun to drive, pretty, and cool (and real!), and how I and want to buy a Ferrari or equivalent someday when I can afford it.

Then I said goodnight and went out to Shannon & Izzy. He yelled for help, and I went back. He said he wanted a blanket, and was in a bit of a blameful / disempowered place about it, but with a little guidance, was able to take charge. I agreed that he needed a blanket and this was a fair request to make (this is an important question b/c he wants to open the door & talk to us a lot after bedtime, so we need to be strict about whether he's attention-seeking or has a real need like bathroom). I went in his room and pointed out that his blanket was on the floor, he didn't need my help. He said he wanted a grownup blanket (note the leveling - thinking of himself as a grownup, wanting grownup things!)  He wanted me to get it for him, but I instead asked "Where would you find one?"  His first idea was "Your room", and I gently said that those were our blankets and he should look for extra ones.  "Where do we keep the extra ones?" He knew the right closet, and went there, and started looking.  They were buried & in the back & hard to find (I couldn't see them either), so we asked Shannon where to dig, and Tovar found himself an adult blanket.  He then dragged it off to bed, and I was very happy at having helped him to have maximum agency with minimal parental help (which wasn't always his first instinct, but he went along with just fine).

Then I tried talking to Shannon a bit but Izzy was really grumpy, and having trouble self-soothing, so we put her in bed, where she screamed, and I explained to Tovar that she was tired and needed to scream a little to fall asleep, and he said it was hard to listen to, and I empathized but said it was best for her. He rejected my frame of "let her cry it out", and said he wanted to try singing her a lullaby, so I said sure and left.

With his help, in a few minutes, she was calm and asleep.

And I was impressed and inspired. Our son can be whiny and demanding and blameful - and he can be amazingly self-regulating, aware, and in charge. By interacting with him with love and partnership (in management terms, setting the stage for a great 1:1), I learned about his nightly routine, that he needed more clarity about his ownership of that routine & our acceptance, had him request & advise me (unasked) on how to reduce his Transformers obsession, and then he took charge of getting Izzy the last way to sleep. He's got it together as much as any of us - if we interact with him in an empowering way.